Oh, Lord, I’m still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for?
What do I stand for?
Most nights I don’t know anymore
(Lyrics from Some Nights, by Fun)
A College student lays her head into her hands, her chest heaving from black holes
in its depths. Unfinished homework lays in slapdash piles by her chair-side, a tower of textbooks that she needs to read from, coming all the way up to her knees, makes her head spin. Scattered tissues lay mostly in the trashcan, but occasional moments of laziness have led to some of the damp rags being left on shelves, on homework piles. Her bed, right above her, her bookshelf, to her right, and her hamper to her left all seem to close in around her. There’s too many things to do, but her heart won’t bring her to do it, so she simply lays there, not crying, not screaming, but digging her own grave
in the cavities of her heart…
There are times when we really need to get our priorities straight in life, we all know it. Whether we like to admit it, the manners in which we spend our time show us what really is holding our hearts. Some people, it’s work, some people, it’s having friends, some people, it’s sleeping; the list goes on. It would be so simple if we were robots on an assembly line, with only one function to complete in life, don’t you think? Sorry for complaining, but my mind isn’t well suited to the multi-task way of living, so I don‘t really have the amazing ability to do so many things at one time. There are so many instances when I wished I could sprout more arms
that could work from the smarter part of my brain. So when I was being stupid in my task-management, I could simply leave it to them to keep me organized. But I think you know as well as I do that we wouldn’t learn anything from that way.
So we go back to our little Fun quote there, ‘what do I stand for?’. Here’s a pretty fundamental question to life, what should we prioritize? What would be the thing in your life to fight for? If I died today, what would people think of me as? It’s a question we need to ponder, whether we want to or not. I know, being a follower of God, that legacy on Earth isn’t everything, but that doesn’t give me the excuse to want to be remembered in a negative way. If I had kids, I would want them to remember how I lived, so they could use it as a positive influence
in their own lives.
So where to begin? Well, I’ll just say, I honestly couldn’t tell you right now. Remember the first paragraph of this blog? With the depressing scenario of the College student? That’s just a little window into some parts of this week for me. Add that to the fact that scholarship applications are due soon, the fact I screwed up this week, and the fact that I’m not following my morals is making it all the worse.
From the way I see it, we’re not only balancing our friends, our work, our hobbies, we’re also balancing our emotions, our morals, our faith, everything. Though I don’t personally take time out of my day to define my morals to myself, if I broke one of those morals, the way it makes my heart crack into broken canyons certainly doesn’t help me use my time wisely. It makes me want to go crawl into a hole and pity myself. Pathetic, right? Yeah, I agree with you. There were too many times this week I was trying to make up excuses for my own bad decisions, but you know what? You have to carry them, no matter what. God can carry your sins, but you have to remember them too, so you won’t do them again.
So let’s take this window of this week of my life and see where my priorities lie. Right now, by my own judgments… it would be my ‘me’ time, meaning just relaxing and doing nothing productive. That’s right. I’ve been reading manga, reading books (which in my own way, I consider my ‘writing time’), and wasting time like this, it’s not helping with my busy-ness. What I’m standing for right now is for my own comfortable-ness. Right now, the only thing I would be teaching people is to waste your life away while something else should be happening instead.
To make this clearer to you. I had two tests this week. Luckily, for this first semester, these two classes have been classes I’ve listened in class clearly, so these tests weren’t two hard. But I could have done better, because I wasn’t studying outside of class. Actually, for one of the classes, we were supposed to meet in the Library and I didn’t read that message. I skipped right through it because my priority was to do the test. (that’s part of my moral dilemma. My teacher forgave me, but the fact that I did it in my own dorm room, with the possibility of using my notes on it, could have really led to a nasty situation. That really caused me to lose some hours of sleep. Not doing that again!)
In addition to that, I could have written more, actually written a decent essay for this application, I could have practiced for my singing lessons, I could have spent more time with friends, I could have done so much more… than just read and make myself happy. I know we deserve breaks sometime, but it’s beginning to consume all of my time. I need to know what I stand for, and begin to get some of my hobbies straight.
The lesson this week has been written all over this blog: WHAT DO YOU STAND FOR? If you don’t know most days, though the world won’t end, you might be in trouble. I know I am. It might take years to figure out, but put your priorities into finding what to stand for. What you want to work for. Living aimlessly is not fun people. The ache of missing the different parts of your life is a slow, cold deterioration. Ring the warning bells in your head, and get the engine going to somewhere!
I’m going on a writing retreat this weekend, so hopefully, I can spend some time in my head long enough to get some things straight. Because right now, all I’ve been doing is causing my own destruction. So wish me luck! I’ll keep trying to be optimistic (despite the head-cold I have right now. Even sickness messes with the balance. D: )
See you next week!